Awakening

   

    Then there I was, cursed on the dusk, lying dead-like in the wet grass showered in the early dawn. I was freezing, I was drowning, light-less, isolated. Until I finally found the words to break me, "I give up"

          I give up. Words keep on repeating into my head, like an old CD player keeps on playing on a particular verse. As I made my way home sighing, breathing deeply, and closing my eyes to pace out the shadows of the spoken words that now made me feel crumpling, collapsing my own world. I reach for my hands, staring blankly at the shinny figure on my middle finger, thinking; There is only one person who's going to help me through this, yet I know he's I'm in the wrong time- I don't know what to think as of the moment, I almost felt like giving up not almost but I felt it right away. I couldn't say this to anyone nor share it with anyone, anyone but myself only. So here I am putting it into words, letting my readers feel me right now. Feel my pain, my anguish, my sorrow, my depression, my emptiness. I know this is far from what I do not believe is right, it's not right to keep this from people whom I should be or must be telling but I cannot find the accurate words to let them understand my acts of foolishness, insanity.-- Sometimes, some words are might be better left unsaid.

           I give up. It all came rushing back. Hour by hour, second by second, blink per blink. It felt worse now even dreadful. It's like, blood was streaming down from my face, like I was paralyzed, hog-tied and couldn't be able to move, like the world turned into a halt now. Everything, every being, stops..... Except for the beating of my heart and the sound "I give up... I give up.... I give up"- Oh wait! there is no air, I was grasping for it now, holding my throat, but I find it hard to breathe now. "what am I gonna do?", my mind says deliberately. "What to do? what to do? what should I do?" again, they hit me. - I can hear my beating hastening slower now. Until in my very inch of hope, I found an answer to carry on-- A hand.

         The wind was blowing boisterously outside. As I slowly and surely opened my eyes and peak 
shyly through the unfamiliar place. I saw someone right in front of me holding a rosary with him. "Hey!" I said. He looks at me as if I have died A year or so that he was waiting for me to wake up. Or was I? "I'm so happy you're okay now. I thought I'd never have you back again", he smiled taking my hand with him, letting him kiss it, up until he reach through my forehead then in my cheeks and reach for my neck and landed on my lips. I close my eyes, feeling the moment that I have long for. He softly whispers "I love you... I'd never know what to do if I'd lose you again", I eagerly said back taking his hands "I'll never leave. I'm sorry for making you worried so much.. I-", he cut me off trapping his fingers to prevent me from talking then leaned to kiss me more passionately now. "I love you", I said while kissing him.

        It was dark but I know fireflies were made to light my way. Life has never been this easy. You'll cry, you'll smile, be dejected. you'll fall but above all, you'll learn to stand up and face life like everything never changed. With the people around you, you'll never be alone. Family, friends, loved ones, they will be your armor against all that life has to offer whether good or bad.

       So there I was, happily lying til the morning light. Waiting as the sun sets a beautiful picture. Letting my mind wander a million miles away. Storms and outbreak may find it's way to break you but one thing I know is for sure.... You'll never be alone to face them all. - Now as I park my thoughts, I'm telling you, things get better through whatever. If you fall, dust it up, don't let up. 

     #SIGH!

Tale old as time

     I nodded as I witnessed the bright-fully-sparkling stars fading its light.  And as I come to my bleary senses, highbrowed the reality; really things changes, and yeah it fades…

          Those were the words to describe my wearisome as I seen them fading. With my hands crossed, I plead as if saying, “Please, tell me it isn’t too late. Tell me… tell me… tell me he’s still going to come back” I said dolorously. “TELL ME HE’S STILL INLOVE WITH ME” I added. Talking to myself is undeniably making me insane. I lift my hands up high feeling all the shadows of coldness against my pale and fainting body reassuring myself that someday he’ll come back to me saying “I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WHAT IT IS BEFORE”-. so there I was....

It was a blithesome morning that had surprised me today. And I had this feeling of doubtless that something good was about to happen. I don’t when, but it will… someday. As I stroll to my phone landed right beside my pillow, letting my eyes wander through the text. “I LOVE YOU. I WANTED YOU. I NEEDED YOU. NOT THE SAME WAY AS I DID BEFORE, BUT EVEN MORE THAN WHAT IT IS BEFORE. I MISS YOU”, with my mind swiftly and briskly runs like a plane, with my heart beating like footsteps on the stairs, and with my stomach full of butterflies for then I have found myself smiling, for I know I am loved, nonetheless. – KRRIIIINNG! There it sounds like a bee buzzing in my ear. I wake up wondering where the things have gone. Wondering when will they ever happened. Wondering, what is it to feel those ever again? Notwithstanding, I love to see him waiting at my door again telling me those words that I long to hear.  – "Waiting’s really isn’t a hard thing indeed, for every hard work comes a beautiful masterpiece", I hummed to myself dumbfoundedly. 

Looking glumly at the bitter shadows of the sphere I ask myself. Fate truly creates a great paradox and mockery ‘coz at times we all wanted to give up, the neon horizon sprung ,and with every bit of chances of staying together still, we’re blissfully on our way of labeling each moment we spend and cling on to hopes of getting better. I kneel and hoped one day having him back again, feeling all the feelings that I needed.

Pardon me, I Plea

what have i done?

I've cause pain to someone

the stupid me who's childish

gets everything what I wish

but this one I got wasn't good

this heart can feel the throbbing mood.

I'm sorry as I plea

let's have some coffee or tea

let's start all over again

and maybe have more love to gain

I want to go back to the place I live

In your arms I hid

the comfort and security

is what i feel in you through eternity

Chance

There I was in the blissful alley

I rub out the tears as the birds fly freely

loving you boy has never been this easy

for now pain and anguish has been in me

Sadness has been in my pace

I don't know how to fill the empty space

oh my honey, please come home

let me feel you in the dawn

 the heavens please shine down upon me

set me free, let me be happy

tell him that he's all I need

and that I shall never live

As I trembled in the subterfuge of romance

I have found myself lost in the dim distance

gazing at the birds as they gracefully dance

then I realize, it isn't too late to have a CHANCE

Thursday: Tearday

     In hours of quiet thought one cannot but be overcome by the memories of the past.

     It was a placid Thursday afternoon. I was in the washtub naked. The place was dimly lit, and I was soaking in hot water and rocking myself, holding on to the rims of the tub. At the lowest point the tub teetered between two slopping boards, the water making little splashing noises as I rocked. This must have been very interesting for me. I rocked the tub with all my strength. Suddenly it overturned. I have a very vivid memory of the strange feeling of shock and uncertainty at the moment of the sensation of that wet and slippery space between the boards againts my bare, pale skin and looking up at something painfully bright overhead.

     "Go and leave". those were the words to draw my agonize and mourning. As the weather changes the color of the sky I sat lonesomely in the tub for awhile. Gawking at the open window locked and the wide meadow. Rain, I thought but no its tears flooding within me as I plead. I have been very sick from this , and yes I am tepidly and unenthusiastically. My life have been very miserable, cheerless and dreary since the day he left me with a "goodbye". Life, as they always said is 'touch and go', nothing is permanent, nothing endless, ceaseless. Someone must leave, must go, must fly.   

     The images of the past came and drop in. PAIN. SADNESS. BLOOD. TEARS. "oh how?", I sighed, upon saying to myself. Oh how will I ever forget all about him? in a sudden brief moment I closed my eyes for I have found myself then hardly breathing gazing at my pale and naked body, thinking: he'd only used me, he even doesn't love me, and right now I lost everything I had, and yes, I will never ever gonna have it back."

    After a long month of suffering pain and depression, the sun finally found its way to shine my days. Now, the mourning days changes to light happiness and warm fuzzies. Though in some ways pain and memories still has its day and it happens every... THURSDAY.

A Beautiful Nightmare

   A rainbow-colored paint that surrounds the odd, peculiar, queer, rare and definitely outlandish place.The colors glued in my weary eyes and I couldn't even unlock my gaze from it. All I could hear was nothing but taint less, crystal clear purity and sincerity in his voice upon saying ' I love you...'

 So it all began with a shabby and sloppy walk. I was all dressed up normal as a pure and simple visayan girl from the land of Mindanao. Right beside me is my man, dressed up all normal too; jeans and shirt but all brought a look so austere and flawless... In the eyes of nobody but me.

 I was half-blinded and began falling, he brought me in a never-been-there-since-day-one place. A place I somehow then find special and breathtaking.

  "open it", he says as i stroll forward beneath a vintage royal-like door. It was then that I realized that this place was a church, my eyes began wandering everywhere. A rainbow-colored paint, the fountain beneath the altar, the huge cross of Christ that brings beauty and solemnity over the place. In there was a sculptured images of Christ too that then marks an awe in my face. "I've never been in this place", i told him calmly, still amazed. He stealthily looks at me, smiled and then said "that is why i brought you here. Do you like it?", he asks. "i love it here!", i said with excitement. He leaned closer to me making me feel like kissing him, before so, he lifted me in an elevated floor for me to take a sit. His hands slipped over my waist then up to my neck, face, and landed in my hands"This is the perfect time and place to tell you how much I love you Kate Pauline Galagnara and soon to be... Juliada", I remained silent  as he said those words waiting for him to continue. "Kate, will you promised me one thing?", he asks. "anything...". "Kita ra? Og kita na?" , his voice flourished as he asks in our own language. I smiled then said "of-course. kita ra og kita na" , i answer him aimlessly baring a lower tone. " i love you, today, tomorrow-" i cut him off before he was about to finish.-- I kissed him passionately and leaned even more closer to him now-- and together saying "always and forever..", all of the air must have been sucked out of me as i stop and stared, for i found myself not breathing, gazing at this handsome being that someday I would love to spend my forever with.

  I was half-awake and half-dreaming when the alarm clock shout out. The sun's says sinked through my half-open window and tilted brightness through my two-storey hay. I let out a shaky breath and stood still as death. I let my mind wander backwards at my dreams, I wasn't at all certain, but i told myself; i know it was real, and it would come to happen soon.

  I breath in and out and continue blissfully to ponder and dwell with my beautiful nightmare.

Stapled by your Enormous Love

     (guys are like stars. There are millions of them out there, but only one can make your dreams come true. It's the star falls for you)

    The loudest creep in the night is the smile that broads and glows so right beneath a blanket of stars that shone and bright in the eerie night.

     As if sensing my thoughts, I sat up and scooted closer. Leaning in, he kissed me passionately on the lips, and I was suddenly certain that I wanted nothing more that to spend hours and hours wrapped in his arms, just like this. The scene was replaying in my head over and over again, and I can't help but to smile enthusiastically. As the morning sunlight streamed through the living room windows, I stretched before rising to my feet, peeking down the hall. I sat up-bolt into the porch right away as I get in. Closing my eyes for a bit helps me think about this guy I used to call the ‘love-you-with-all-my-heart-guy’, I smile in diffusion, for I knew that there really is such thing more that magic that he’d let me seen. My eyes exhaust open the again. I looked at the façade of the place, the façade of a lovely and flamboyant yet flourished place. A place that somehow lies in his eyes. A place that I found only his side. Over my 14 years of existence; I never felt anything as fun, as exciting, as bearable, as unforgettable, as magical like what he’d let me seen.

     Eavesdrop, I thought. As I lay down, falling asleep in my room. His vision trucked and bothered me in pathos. Thus, before I could say a word, I slouched, staring at the open window. Witnessing the night’s bewitching beauty of the stars; thinking about everything we had. There really is nowhere in this world I would rather be than be in his side forever, I thought smiling in the moonlit sky.

     Just by looking into his eyes, I know a place, forever, isn’t hard to find.